On August 29, 2025, I turned 40. I was reflecting, as I do, on where I am at this point in my life. My life is not where I thought it would be in many ways. I’m technically unhoused and my housing prospects are limited. My babies aren’t with me. I’m not where I’d like to be financially at all. I’m sporting a few more pounds than I probably should. There are some goals I set for myself, I have yet to reach.

Thing is, I’m happy. I started a full time job that is not (knock on wood) toxic and I still look forward to making the drive for. I have Delaware Theatre Company and the Y which have been much appreciated anchors of stability and reminders of healthy, supportive work environments. I just returned from a magical trip to Peru and I’m heading to NM in a few weeks to spend time with people I genuinely cherish. I’m doing meaningful volunteer work which continues to add joy to my life. I’m pursuing a Certificate in Restorative Justice Proficiency because I’ve finally started to get out of my own way and pursue my passions. My relationship with Christopher is such that I can text him asking for a hug and he’s willing to walk away from whatever it is to oblige. Context - I was driving home on Thursday and sent him a text while he was at work to see if I could stop by for a hug. He said sure let me know when you’re here. He talked to me for 20 minutes and gave me lots of hugs. I’m assisting with a play with one of my favorite directors/humans. First thing Friday morning, my phone started blowing up with texts and phone calls to wish me a happy birthday. I’ve got a ton of messages on Facebook I haven’t even looked at yet. I had messages from folks I never thought I’d be connected to and whom I can no longer imagine my life without. When I got back to my boyfriend’s on Friday night, he and his daughter were standing and singing Happy Birthday. They had a birthday cake and a few random gifts (ginger ale, Takis, and some books because they are a few of my favorite things). My boyfriend’s daughter made some decorations and a scavenger hunt for me.

It all reminds me nothing has stopped me yet and I’m still alive. I’m really really loved and people do care about me. All those moments when I thought it would be easier to give up and wave the flag got me to this point. Nothing is perfect and nothing will ever be perfect, but as they say “wherever you go, there you are.” I’m here. I’ll also add, I look pretty damn good for 40 😀

It’s funny because today I’ve been thinking about NYE and NY Day across cultures. Groups celebrate the beginning of the year at different times, but they are all about renewal and reflection. It got me thinking as I get older and experience more chaos in my life, every day feels like a holiday and I need to find meaning in each day.

I worked for a few morning hours at the Y this week and one of my favorite members came in late (for him) and was moving slower. He’s 80 something and comes in faithfully each day around 830-9am and stays until about noon. I said hello and asked if his knee was feeling ok since I knew he had seen a doctor for it recently. He said “I’m not feeling great”. He said “I’m late and I’m not sure I’ll be able to stay long”. He left about an hour later. I said to my coworker, “I’m going to lose it when John goes”. She was in the midst of an existential crisis of her own and she said “I feel the same way about Bill” (another older member). She said “then I have to remember it may be Bill who is saying that about me. He may also say nothing along with everyone else”. I said “well shit, aren’t I arrogant to think that just because John is older, he’ll go first. I got a concussion getting out of my damn car”. I could go any day at any time for any reason.

One of my NY traditions is watching The Twilight Zone marathon. I’ve been doing this for at least the last 25 years. One of the episodes of the Twilight Zone I was watching today is called The Fugitive. It’s about a guy, known as Old Ben, who is from another planet and becomes friends with the neighborhood kids. Two men from the other planet come looking for Ben to take him home. To catch Ben, the men take out one of the kids, Jenny. It sounds way more dramatic than it actually was. They didn’t hurt her, they just knew he’d come back to save her. Anywho, Ben comes back to save Jenny and she says to him, Ben am I going to die? Ben says well yes, one day, but not today.

So NYE represents what morning means to me now. It’s an opportunity to start a new, begin again. It’s my chance to start fresh. It’s my chance to start. So there are my NY musings.